Here, There And Everywhere
Ryan and his trusty pirate crew dashed off into the countryside, intent on locating and defeating the evil Duke Duke and recovering the lost gold of the Kingdom.
They sprinted this way, they sprinted that way.
They jogged uphill, they jogged downhill.
They walked briskly hither, they walked briskly yonder.
So intent were they on tracking down the evil Duke Duke that they unwittingly wandered into ‘Bandit Gulley’, a pathway avoided by travelers whenever possible, a known bandit hideaway and definitely the bad part of town.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere appeared a band of bad bandits, racing up and down and all around, surrounding the brave Captain Ryan and his pirate crew. Before they knew what was happening Ryan and his faithful crew found themselves encircled by men dressed all in black with white painted faces, trouble in their eyes and time on their hands.
All looked bleak indeed.
“Halt!” Cried the largest of the bandits. “Who goes there? What is your purpose? What will you pay as tribute?
Ryan stood stock still, flummoxed, unsure as to what question to answer first. The bandit did not take kindly to Ryan’s silence however, he approached the Pirate Prince with a menacing smirk on his painted face.
“Who goes there? What is your purpose? What will you pay as tribute?” The bandit repeated.
“One question at a time Sir,” said Ryan.
Slightly stunned the bandit paused, then recovered. “Who goes there?”
“Captain Ryan, Prince of Pirates.”
“What is your purpose?”
“None of your business.”
“What will you pay as tribute?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh dear,” said the bandit, “this isn’t going well, this isn’t going well at all.”
“What isn’t going well?” Asked Ryan.
“This banditry,” replied the bandit, looking more than a little disappointed. “It’s our first time out as a bandit gang and I’m afraid things aren’t going nearly as well as in rehearsal.”
“Well … give yourself a chance Sir,” said Ryan. “Nothing goes perfectly first time. Personally I think you’re putting up a fine effort. Your costumes are great, your appearance was sufficiently sudden and your approach was …”
“Yes?”
“Your approach was … well slightly menacing, just not convincingly menacing I’m afraid.”
“That’s what I was worried about,” replied the bandit, now looking truly disappointed indeed. “I’ve never been able to appear truly menacing. I can pull off angry, annoyed, ticked off and down right bothered but menacing … well it’s just out of my league I suppose.”
“Well, don’t beat yourself up, you’ve all done rather well for a first effort,” said Ryan. “Now, if you’ll excuse us we have an adventure to continue.”
With this Ryan and his pirate crew’s adventure began anew.
“Wait!” Cried the bandit.
“What now?” Asked Ryan more than a little impatient.
“Well,” pleaded the bandit, “let us at least introduce ourselves. For our fame and reputation to spread the Kingdom must hear of our menace and deeds. You know,” he added “there are an awful lot of bandit gangs around these parts and we would really like to position ourselves as the most terrifying.”
“Fine, I suppose it’s only polite if we introduce ourselves also,” said Ryan with a sigh. “We must hurry along however, time is of the essence.”
“Yes, yes of course!” Said the bandit with a sudden grin on his white painted face.
“As you know, I am Captain Ryan, Prince of Pirates,” began Ryan.
“With me is Stumpy my able first mate, Indigo who possesses the strength of ten ordinary men or five rather large men, Swift who can outrun any man from any land and Tall Frank … who is tall.”
With this Tall Frank strode forth and proclaimed, “I am the Tall Frank of whom he speaks. I am tall all the time, morning, noon and night, tall, tall, tall. When I wear platform shoes I am even taller,” he paused, as if awaiting a round of applause, when no such applause arose he slunk back into the pack.
“Pleasure to meet you,” said the bandit. “And now … Behold! I am Vindito, leader of a vicious gang of vicious bandits! Ready to be vicious at a moments notice! Passionately vicious! Behold! Behold! Behold!”
Ryan beheld.
The bandits were in all honesty an awful looking bunch, of that it is true. Buck toothed, pot bellied, hair in all directions. The bandit leader was the sorriest looking of the lot, he was in such disarray there were flies circling his head.
“You realize you have flies circling your head,” said Captain Ryan.
“Yeah! I do! They are my friends! My fly friends!” Cried Vindito.
“There is no need to shout friend, I am right beside you,” replied Captain Ryan.
“I shout not to make myself heard! I shout instead to demonstrate my passion! Ready bandits! Passion display!”
The bandits quickly formed themselves into a semi circle and each, with great concentration, silently waved their hands and raised their eyebrows. One bandit appeared to be trapped in a box, one was walking into a strong wind, another opened an imaginary door …
“Oh dear,” said Ryan.
“Yes, we are Mimes! A lack of respect for the art of Mime has turned us into bloodthirsty bandits! It’s not easy being a Mime!” Shouted Vindito.
The rest of the bandits replied as one, “It’s not easy being a Mime! No! No! No!”
Ryan thought for a moment. “Well, if you’re a Mime, shouldn't you be a little quieter?”
“I yell in protest of the treatment of Mimes throughout the land!” Yelled Vindito. He paused and coughed a little cough. “But, for now, out of respect to you and because my throat is getting a little sore, I shall cease to yell. I shall instead speak at a reasonable volume using only my eyebrows for emphasis,” he leaned toward Captain Ryan. “You see … training in the art of mime can be a blessing in all walks of life.” With this he wiggled his eyebrows furiously. “Isn’t that right boys?”
The bandits mumbled amongst themselves. “Oh yes, yes, yes,” and from the back, “rather.”
“Lack of respect for the art of mime has indeed driven us to banditry and, I’m sorry to say, to the crime we shall now commit,” said Vindito with much eyebrow wiggling.
“So you still intend to rob us do you?” Inquired Captain Ryan, who was rapidly losing patience with this ragged band of bandits. “Well, I must warn you fellows that if you intend on fisticuffs I am well prepared. Believe me when I declare there is much power in these fists, and I have this sword here which is rather pointy … of that you can be assured,” as he said this Captain Ryan raised his fists in the traditional manner of fisticuffs.
“You may be well prepared Captain Ryan, but so are we,” replied Vindito. “You’ll notice I too have a sword, in fact we all carry instruments of destruction. Gerald here possesses a hula hoop.”
“A hula hoop? How is that of any use?” Asked Ryan.
“When the time comes … you’ll see,” replied Vindito. “Isn’t that right Gerald?”
There was no reply.
“Gerald!”
Again there was no reply.
“Clarence,” said Vindito to a rather dopey looking bandit near the back, “give Gerald a shove.”
With this Clarence shoved the bandit to his left, not any old bandit mind you but a bandit wearing an extraordinarily large pair of bright red earmuffs. Upon being shoved Gerald yelled “Yes … of course … I agree … butterflies … hurricanes … sugar puffs at noon!”
“What on earth is he on about?” Asked Ryan.
“Gerald just shouts the first thing that pops into his head,” replied Vindito. “He can’t hear a thing through those ear muffs.”
“If he can’t hear you, why doesn’t he simply remove the ear muffs?”
“Remove the earmuffs?” Said Vindito. “Remove the earmuffs? Impossible! Gerald is … well, rather sensitive about removing his earmuffs in front of strangers.”
There was a long silence.
A long awkward silence.
“Well, I’m glad that’s sorted. Good day to you,” said Ryan, preparing to leave.
“You forget Pirate Prince that we shall not let you pass without tribute,” said Vindito, a threatening tone to his voice.
“Do not force my hand bandit” replied Ryan, his patience truly tested.
“Ha ha!” laughed Vindito. “Your threats are wasted on me Pirate, I know no fear.”
Ryan reached for his sword.
Vindito reached for his sword.
Gerald reached for his hula hoop.
“Wait … wait!” Screamed Vindito, a look of panic across his face. “Now let’s not be hasty. I may know no fear but …fortunately for you I cut my finger yesterday,” he held out his hand and sure enough there was a tiny cut across his little finger, “and I refuse to fight with such an injury.”
“As you wish,” said Ryan, his sword remaining at his side.
“We will meet again of that you can be sure,” said Vindito his eyes narrowed and eyebrows all over the place. He then turned and ran, his bandits scurrying behind him. “This is not over Pirate!” He shouted over his shoulder. “We shall meet again and next time you had better watch out!”
“Oh dear,” said Ryan.
“Oh dear indeed,” replied the pirate crew.
With this embarrassing display fortunately at an end the pirate crew set off once more … the search for the evil Duke Duke continued.
A Mysterious Encounter With A Mysterious Stranger
On and on the Pirate Prince and his brave pirate crew marched.
Left, right, back, forth, round and round.
They were starting to lose hope, to despair of ever finding the evil Duke Duke and recovering the Kingdom’s gold when, all of a sudden, there came a loud croak from the darkness of a nearby alley.
“So … Ryan the Pirate Prince desires a map that will lead him to Duke Duke’s Lair?” A voice declared.
“Yes, and I’d appreciate it if you kept your voice down, others may be about,” replied Ryan.
Laughter came from the alley “I will do no such thing! I shall speak as loud as my heart desires!” The mysterious voice continued. “Answer me this pirate … you would have to be astoundingly brave or astoundingly mad to undergo such a journey. Do you believe none other is as courageous as your good self?”
“Yes, yes I do,” said Ryan. “That leaves the mad however, and you can never underestimate the insane.” As he said this Ryan spied in the distance what appeared to be an ear poking out from behind a wall.
A large ear.
An extraordinarily large ear.
“For example,” continued Ryan, “the owner of that extraordinarily large ear in the distance.”
“For example,” continued Ryan, “the owner of that extraordinarily large ear in the distance.”
Laughter long and loud was heard from the alley, “Extraordinarily large ears you say? Dear pirate, I understand you wish me to be more discreet. You do not have to tell tales of extraordinarily large ears to convince me. I shall indeed do as you request and lower my voice.”
Ryan looked to the wall once more and sure enough there was no such ear in sight. Had he simply imagined it?
Pushing doubt aside Ryan pressed on, determined to discover the identity of the voice in the alley. “Who are you?” he inquired.
“Now, now young man,” the voice replied at a more reasonable volume, “questions will get you nowhere, for there is much to learn and little time.”
Ryan stepped toward the alley gesturing to Stumpy to follow. The Pirate Prince and his trusty first mate crept forward. Peering into the darkness they began to make out the features of a woman in a tattered cloak of many pockets.
An old woman.
A very old woman.
A Crone.
“Good heavens,” whispered Ryan to Stumpy.
“I am old it is true,” said the Crone, “but with such long life comes much wisdom.”
“I agree,” said Ryan, “and by the look of you I suspect you must be wise indeed.”
“Very wise,” said Stumpy.
“Unusually wise,” added Ryan. “Crone, please come to our aid. We are desperate to find this Duke Duke of whom you speak.”
“You do well to seek my aid,” replied the Crone as she moved from the alley into the sunlight, “but don’t call me Crone.”
“But you are a Crone,” said Ryan, looking to his crew who were all nodding in agreement.
“Nonsense,” said the Crone, “I am more of an … unexpected vision of wisdom and grace.”
“Not really,” replied Ryan.
“A divine presence in an hour of need?”
“No.”
“Mysterious Stranger?”
“You’re getting closer.” Ryan paused. “Alright, for times sake let’s all agree on Mysterious Stranger.”
“Fabulous,” replied the Crone, who really was fooling herself.
“Now Crone, I mean … Mysterious Stranger, please help us. We …”
“I know … you desire the answer to the riddle of the whereabouts of Duke Duke’s hideaway. Now listen, and listen well. To solve this riddle, to discover the path toward the evil Duke Duke, to reclaim the Kingdom’s gold, to fulfill your destiny as Prince of Pirates you must …” The Crone paused and then declared, “take this laundry down to the River of Righteousness, wash it once, twice, three times, then return it clean and clear and neatly folded.”
“Not likely.” Said Ryan.
“How about the Stream of Solitude?”
“Nope.”
“The Calm Creek of Clarity?”
Ryan was running out of patience, perhaps it would be simpler to just do as the Crone requested. “If we take this laundry down to the Calm Creek of Clarity and do as you request, this creek will reveal to us the location of Duke Duke’s Lair?” He asked.
“Well no, but it will make me pretty happy,” replied the Crone.
“And …”
“And I suspect I’ll be so happy I won’t mind parting with this here map to Duke Duke’s Lair,” said the Crone removing a scroll from one of her many pockets.
It was at moments such as these that Captain Ryan truly earned the right to lead. With this in mind Ryan turned to his crew and spoke from the heart.
“Indigo, Swift, Tall Frank, it is at such critical moments that a Captain turns to his finest and most trusted friends, crew, comrades. This is your moment to shine, this is your grand and noble opportunity. You must join together, bind your strengths, dismiss your misgivings, and … wash, dry and fold this woman’s laundry! Hurrah!”
“Hurrah,” replied the crew with somewhat less enthusiasm.
A Map, A Warning And Some Delightful Cookies
Any chance to advance toward adventure’s call was not a chance to be denied however, and so Indigo, Swift and Tall Frank leapt into action.
Indigo took position on the banks of the Calm Creek of Clarity, Swift began to stretch and Tall Frank remained tall. When all was prepared and with a “One, two, three, ready are we!” the brave pirate crew began the torrid task.
Swift grabbed handfuls of clothes, towels and linen and raced down to the banks of the Calm Creek of Clarity. Indigo used his mighty strength to heave the bundle into the river and pound, pound, pound the laundry into clean and sparkly submission. Swift scooped up the freshly laundered laundry and sped back up the hill to Tall Frank, who was waiting with a tall smile on his tall face under a very tall washing line.
Load after load after load of laundry. Race, wash, race, dry until all was complete. With great pride the pirate crew shouted a truly triumphant “Hurrah!”
“Well done lads, well done,” said Ryan. “Truly a fantastic effort. One question … how were you able to dry the laundry so fabulously fast?”
“The washing line was tall, very tall,” replied Tall Frank.
“Yes, I see but …”
“The taller the washing line the closer the washing is to the sun and therefore the faster it dries,” continued Tall Frank with pride.
There was a pause as all considered this wisdom.
“Makes sense,” said Ryan. “Well done lads, well done. Now … just fold the laundry and all is complete. Hurrah!”
“Hurrah,” groaned Indigo, Swift and Tall Frank.
While the men folded the laundry, Ryan and Stumpy sat with the Crone enjoying delightful cookies in the glorious sunshine.
“These are delicious,” said Ryan, “but there’s one ingredient I can’t quite put my finger on.”
“Cinnamon,” replied the Crone
“Cinnamon. Of course. Delightful, truly delightful.”
Finally all lay neatly folded and a splendid job it was indeed. Pile after pile of clean, perfectly folded laundry.
The Crone was beside herself with joy and true to her word she reached inside her old tattered coat and removed a scroll tied with a pretty red ribbon. “The ribbon isn’t really necessary but I think it adds a little something, don’t you agree?”
“Yes, even a scroll deserves a little decoration,” replied Ryan.
Unrolling the scroll the Crone revealed a finely detailed map.
It was marvelous, splendidly crafted, a thoroughly satisfying map.
“How did you acquire such vast knowledge? How did you discover Duke Duke’s Lair? How did you create a map such as this?” Asked Ryan in astonishment.
“I have much time on my hands,” replied the Crone. “I only stand in this alleyway for a few hours … the rest of the day is pretty much free.”
“I see.”
“Prince of Pirates, come close for I have important information to impart,” the Crone’s voice now fell to a whisper.
Ryan leant.
“Closer,” whispered the Crone.
Ryan leant further.
“Closer,” whispered the Crone once more.
Ryan leant further.
“No … lean toward me.”
Ryan leant in the opposite direction.
“Perfect,” whispered the Crone. “Now listen carefully and listen well. This map will lead you to the evil Duke Duke’s lair and the Kingdom’s gold. This map will lead you to glory, to the adventure you hold so dear. But beware … this shall be no simple journey oh Pirate Prince. For to succeed you must first conquer the Ravine of Doom, and your bravery alone may not guide you safely through … Monkey Jungle.”
“Monkey Jungle!” Exclaimed Ryan. “You mean … a jungle made of monkeys?”
“No,” replied the Crone. “A jungle full of monkeys.”
“Well then, shouldn’t it be called Jungle Monkeys?” asked Ryan.
“Jungle Monkeys?” Replied the Crone. “That makes it seem as if there exist monkeys in the shape of a jungle. Whoever heard of such a thing?”
“Well it makes more sense than a jungle made of monkeys,” pointed out Ryan.
“It isn’t a jungle made of monkeys, or jungle shaped monkeys, it’s Monkey Jungle.”
"Monkey Jungle." Confirmed Ryan.
"Monkey Jungle." Confirmed Ryan.
“Yes ... Monkey Jungle, plain and simple. It’s always been Monkey Jungle, it always will be Monkey Jungle. Ok? Monkey Jungle.”
“Fine,” said Ryan. “I’m just saying …”
“Just take the map and go,” interrupted the Crone.
“Farewell and many thanks,” replied Ryan. “We will not forget the service you have performed this day.” Ryan paused before adding, “All I was saying was that Monkey …”
“Just go,” said the Crone as she turned her back on the Pirate Prince and returned to her alleyway, muttering under her breath.
