Adventure Awaits!
With a creak and a groan the impressive Castle gate slowly drew open.
There before the pirates stood what were surely a brigade of the King’s Guard, fully armed and very disinterested. They were a sorry lot, bags under their eyes, mouths drawn, unshaven … all in all a rather uninspiring mess.
“Dear, oh dear,” whispered Ryan to Stumpy. “What a shambles. These guards look as though a sudden breeze would break their spirits. Look at the one near the back, he’s given up completely.”
Indeed, a guard near the back of the formation had sat down and was staring into space.
“I am Captain Ryan, Prince of Pirates,” began Ryan. “Myself and my crew have sailed many a day and many a night to reach these shores, will you bid us welcome to your Kingdom?”
The Commander of the King’s Guard stepped forward, “Yeah, sure … whatever. I mean, if you like … come on I’ll show you round … or not … whatever.”
“Many thanks,” replied Captain Ryan. “It is with great pleasure and a peaceful spirit that we accept …”
The words were lost on the Kings Guard however, they had already dismissed and wandered off in different directions, all except the seated guard who proceeded to place his helmet behind his head, lie on his back and give a very loud sigh indeed.
“This way,” called out the Commander over his shoulder. “You might as well meet the King and Queen … if you can be bothered. To be honest I wouldn’t get my hopes up …”
As Ryan and his men followed the Commander, Ryan began to get the strange sensation that everything within the Castle walls was less than it appeared. Everything seemed somehow slightly deflated.
It was Stumpy who provided the answer.
“Captain,” said Stumpy. “Have you noticed something odd about this Castle?”
“Now that you mention it Stumpy, I have. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but …”
“The Castle itself Captain, that’s what’s so odd. So impressive from the outside yet far from impressive from within. If anything it is … well depressive, if there is such a word.”
“Well if there isn’t such a word there surely should be, and depressive is right on the button.”
“This is the dullest Castle I have ever encountered,” said Stumpy. “No sparkle, no shimmer, no shine. No wonder everyone seems so down in the dumps.”
“You’re a clever man Stumpy. This is truly a terribly unexciting and definitely dull Castle. I say, what do you think could allow for such a …” At this moment Ryan stopped short his speech, having bumped into the Commander who had suddenly come to a halt, placed his hands in his pockets and proceeded to draw circles in the dirt with his shoe.
This was awkward.
Very awkward.
“Excuse me good Sir,” said Ryan. “Why … ah …well, why the sudden halt?”
The Commander slowly drew his eyes from the ground and replied, “What’s the point?”.
“The point Sir?”
“What’s the point? Is it worth it? Is anything worth it? Is there a point? If there is a point what does that point to? And who does the pointing? And where does …”
“Yes, yes, this is all very interesting,” said Ryan. “But with all due respect Sir we are anxious to see the King and Queen so …”
“But what is the …”
“Yes we’ve gone over that. How about this for a solution?” Offered Ryan. “I can see that you are in a bit of a crisis at present. I sympathize, I really do, but perhaps a good lie down would do the trick, help you to get your spirits back up.” Before he could reply, Ryan threw the Commander over his shoulder. “Now, I’ll just start walking and you simply nod if I’m headed in the right direction.”
“Well … I suppose … although I doubt it’ll be worth the effort,” replied the Commander.
So, carrying the despairing Commander on his shoulder, Ryan made his way to meet the King and Queen.
Upon reaching the throne room, indicated by one, two, three slight nods, Ryan dropped the Commander - who landed with a thud, but was too down in the dumps to even bother with an “Owwww!”.
“Thank you kind Sir, your assistance has been most appreciated,” said the Prince of Pirates with a bow, and with this the brave Captain Ryan and his pirate crew entered the throne room, within whose walls their most noble adventure would begin.
A Princess, a Queen and a Dozy King
Captain Ryan and his pirate elite entered the throne room with great anticipation, unfortunately the throne room was as much of a disappointment as the rest of the castle.
A thick blanket of gloom hung in the air, shabbily dressed trumpeters lined a faded red carpet, royal guards slouched against each other, even the royal cat gave a half hearted ‘meow’ as a mouse meandered. At the far end of the throne room a King dozed as a Queen and Princess sat staring into the distance.
“It appears that no announcement of our arrival will be forthcoming Sir,” said Stumpy. “Perhaps we should simply approach the King and hope for the best?”
“I agree,” replied Ryan. “I doubt it will give offense, and even so I don’t spy anyone in here who would cause much of a fuss. Indigo, Swift, Tall Frank, look smart, we have a King to meet!”
The pirates, lead by the heroic strides of their Pirate Prince, strode down the faded red carpet. With heads held high, arms swung with wild abandon, toes pointed in a rather pointy manner they strode.
Suddenly, out of the blue, a deafening raspy rasp!
The Pirates almost lost their composure as one hundred trumpeters suddenly blew one hundred trumpets to announce their arrival.
The Pirates almost lost their composure as one hundred trumpeters suddenly blew one hundred trumpets to announce their arrival.
It was loud.
It was very loud.
It was very, very loud.
It was so loud the King spilt soup all down the front of his favourite pair of King pants.
“Oh Bother!” Groaned the King as he awoke with a start. “I’ve gone and spilt soup all down the front of my favourite King pants! And that’s beetroot, that’ll never come out! Steward!”
“Yes Sire?” Said the steward.
“Kings order: Trumpeters to be reduced to fifty. One hundred trumpeters is just too many. Far too many. To be honest it’s ridiculous and I can’t keep spilling soup down my trousers!”
“No Sire.”
“I mean what kind of world would that be? A King walking around with soup all down the front of his trousers! A shambles, a nuisance and a right rhubarb, that’s what kind of world it would be. A right royal soup stained shambles and I simply won’t have it! So, from now on fifty trumpeters only,” the King paused, “and an accordion ... played by a monkey if that can be arranged.”
“Yes Sire, I’ll see what I can do.”
“Well, what a lot of decisions I’ve made today, I don’t know about you but I’m absolutely beat. Tired, tired, tired. Goodnight everybody, I’m off to beddy-byes,” said the King, resting his head and closing his eyes.
“It’s only two o’clock in the afternoon dear.” Said the Queen.
The King’s eyes sprung back open. “Oh … is it? Well then, what’s going on here? What do we have planned? Who is this?”
Ryan stepped forward and introduced himself and his pirate crew, for now was the certainly time to make a fine impression.
“Let me introduce myself your Highness. I am Ryan, Prince of Pirates, Skilled Sailor of the Seven Seas, Master of the Majestic, Dynamo of the Dashing. With me are the elite of my pirate crew: Stumpy my loyal and able first mate, Indigo the Strong, Swift the Speedy and Tall Frank. We have recently dropped anchor on the shores of your splendid Kingdom and request directions to the nearest merchant so as to re-supply our glorious vessel, your Highness, your Majesty, your … Kingship.” Ryan completed his magnificent speech with a magnificent bow, bowing so low his nose nearly scraped the faded red carpet.
This really was a fine display of courtesy.
So fine a display of courtesy in fact that carpet dust fluttered into Ryan’s nose.
He blinked once, he blinked twice, he wiggled his nose and bit his lip, but nothing could prevent an embarrassing sneeze in the royal presence.
“Ah … ah … ah … choo!” Sneezed Ryan as a low and very manly, but inappropriate, sneeze echoed throughout the throne room.
“Bless you,” said the Princess, a blonde beauty with ruby red lips and a nose speckled in freckles.
Ryan stood tall to spy the owner of the voice that had pardoned him so freely. Overcome by the beauty of the Princess fair he found himself almost lost for words, but courageously managed a “Pardon?”
“Bless you,” repeated the Princess.
“Well … that came out of nowhere but thanks very much,” replied Ryan.
“No … bless you because you sneezed.”
“That’s all I have to do to earn a bless you? Why that’s fantastic. In fact if you think that’s impressive you should have seen me a few weeks ago. I had a cold and was sneezing all over the place. Oh yes Princess … you would have thought I was something rather special then,” said Ryan with a wink.
The Princess smiled her pretty smile, this was surely a pirate like no other. “No silly, you don’t understand. When someone sneezes it’s polite to say ‘bless you’.”
“Well I never,” said Ryan, blushing slightly, “fancy that. What a nice Princess you are,” he said before muttering under his breath, “and what fine freckles speckle your nose.”
“Pardon?”
“Ah nothing Princess ...”
“You may call me Princess Pippi, for that is my name.”
“A pleasure to make your acquaintance Princess Pippi. This bless you business is a super idea. Really super. Really rather super. Did you think of it yourself, because I think it’s just super.”
“No, no of course not,” laughed the Princess. “He did,” she said pointing to the Steward.
“Fine work my good man, very impressive,” said Ryan to the Steward. “You hold the position of steward and think of rather fantastic ideas such as this ‘bless you’ business? Your mother must be very proud.”
“I am!” Replied a woman standing next to the Steward, before patting her son on the head and giving him a lollipop.
Ryan returned his gaze to the Princess, whose pretty face betrayed an ever so slight trace of doubt. “Is something the matter Princess Pippi?”
“I don’t mean to offend you Captain Ryan,” said the Princess. “It’s just that … well …you don’t exactly strike me as a pirate.”
“What do you mean?” Ryan was truly shocked. “I have a sword, a first mate and a parrot. Well, I had a parrot … it’s a long story and to be honest I’d rather we didn’t get into it.”
“Well, that’s all well and good but …”
“But what?”
“Well … I was lead to believe all pirates had beards, or at least a mustache,” challenged the Princess.
“I do have a mustache!” replied Ryan. “Stumpy, the box!”
With this Stumpy removed a fine red velvet box from his rucksack. Approaching the Princess he opened the lid with a flourish to reveal the finest mustache she had ever laid eyes on.
“You see,” exclaimed Ryan rather proudly, “I do have a mustache, I keep it in this box.” Captain Ryan continued, “I only wear it on very special occasions. You see Princess, what is the use of such fine facial features if they are hidden?”
Tales of Woe
Here before the King stood Captain Ryan, a pirate proud and true. A pirate from whom a Kingdom’s secret could be held no longer.
“You are a magnificent pirate Captain Ryan, of this I am certain,” began the King. “It would be my pleasure to help you Sir, to furnish your ship with all the supplies she could carry and to invite you and your crew to dinner,” at this the King turned bright red, “but unfortunately this cannot be so.”
“What is your concern?” Asked Ryan.
“I …” the King turned redder still and stuttered slightly, he was an embarrassed King. “I … I … I am a King with no gold! I am a goldless King. Oh boo hoo hoo!” The King placed his head in his hands and wept, pausing from time to time to take a deep breath and exclaim an even louder ‘Oh boo hoo hoo!’.
Princess Pippi continued the sad tale. “It is true I am afraid. We are a monarchy with no money, a crown with no cash, royals with no riches.”
“How can this be?” Asked Ryan.
“It was not always so,” continued the Princess. “Once the Kingdom was all sparkle and splendor … once, but no more. You see, not everyone is fond of my father, not all in the Kingdom love the King.”
“Who could not love such a King?” asked Ryan. “Who indeed could not love a King who invites strangers to dinner?”
“I know, it surprises me also, but there is one who despises my father, whose jealousy is beyond measure. My Uncle … Duke Duke.”
“Duke Duke?” Asked Ryan.
“Yes, his name is Duke and he is also a Duke. It is unfortunate,” replied the Princess.
“Well, what of this Duke Duke?”
“As children my father and my Uncle never got along. My father is the eldest and as such was always destined to become King. My Uncle could never accept this, he grew more discontent each year. When father was crowned King my Uncle pretended to be happy, he stood right here at the coronation and clapped the loudest. Inside however, his jealousy grew and grew, until, only a few months ago, he went bezerk.”
“Bezerk?” Commented Ryan.
“Bezerk,” Confirmed Princess Pippi.
The Princess continued her tale. “It was dinnertime. We were all enjoying a lovely roast meal when Father and Uncle both reached for the big piece of chicken. They both grabbed the big piece of chicken at the same time, but my Father, being a loving and generous man, released the big piece of chicken.
“’Brother’, he said ‘you have the big piece of chicken’. At this my Uncle became enraged. ‘Oh!’ He cried, ‘the big piece of chicken … you’ve graciously granted me the big piece of chicken! Oh I’m so grateful for the big piece of chicken! Thank you, thank you, thank you my King for the big piece of chicken! You sit there, on your golden throne, golden King of the entire golden kingdom … and I am supposed to be grateful for this big piece of chicken! This shall not do Brother, this shall not do at all!’ With this my Uncle jumped onto the dinner table, raised the big piece of chicken in the air and shouted ‘Revolution!’.”
“And then what happened?” Asked Ryan.
“Well … nothing, my Uncle had not made any plans for a revolution. In a desperate attempt to break the awkward silence that followed Uncle Duke Duke then shouted ‘Gold! Gold! Free gold to any and all who join the revolution! Long live me!’.”
“And then?”
“Everything went rather pear shaped at that point I’m afraid,” replied the Princess. “Some of the guards were so taken by the idea of free gold that they gave a loud hurrah …”
“Even a loud hurrah can be misused in the name of evil,” suggested Ryan.
“Indeed,” replied the Princess, “and after the ‘hurrah’ the riot began.”
“Riot!” Said Ryan. “My word!”
“Guards loyal to my father were pushing and shoving guards loyal to my Uncle, swords were drawn, fighting broke out, here, there and everywhere gold was being stripped from the Kingdom … it was a night of great despair followed by a morning of drab and dreary depression.”
“Such a tale of woe,” said Ryan shaking his head, “and this Uncle of yours, this Duke Duke, he escaped I suppose?”
“Yes, he ran out the front gate waving the big piece of chicken,” said the Princess in despair, “followed by guards struggling under armfuls and armfuls of gold.”
“Oh the horror!” Cried Ryan. “The horror, the horror, the horror!”
Ryan was mad.
More than mad, he was outraged.
More than outraged, he was furious.
Red in the face from furious fury Ryan turned to the King and grandly declared, “Your Majesty, such injustice cannot stand! I will not let it stand! It will not be stood for! This very hour my elite pirate crew and I will set off to avenge this dishonour! You can rest easy that your gold will be returned. Hurrah!”
“Hurrah!” Cried everyone in the room.
“You see,” Ryan said to the Princess, “there are still good ‘hurrahs’ to be found.”
The Grand Adventure Begins.
Hurrah!
Hurrah!
Captain Ryan now addressed the King. “Have no fear Sire, for I Captain Ryan and my pirate elite will go forth and defeat this Duke Duke, and return post haste to this very location laden with gold.”
Ryan gave a bow. “Your Highness, simply point us in the direction of the evil Duke Duke and his traitorous guard and we shall make a hasty start to this grand adventure.”
“Well,” said the King, “in all honesty I have no idea where he ran off to.”
“Oh,” replied Ryan “no idea?”
“Not a clue,” said the King.
“Not even a smidgen of an idea?”
“I haven’t the foggiest. He simply ran out of here like a loon, shouting and waving the big piece of chicken.”
“Well … no bother,” said Ryan, not a man to be easily dismayed. “We shall still go forth, we shall simply … go forth in faith that evil shall not triumph, that we shall vanquish this vile villain and win the day!”
The King was most impressed. “Well then, you have my blessing. Go forth. Forth you go.”
“And forth we shall,” said Ryan, then turning to his fellow pirates. “Let us … go forth, charging blindly until this Duke Duke is discovered!”
“Charging blindly Sir?” Asked Stumpy.
“Yes Stumpy my good man,” replied Ryan. “I figure if we run around long enough we’re bound to bump into him at some stage.”
“Very good Sir.”
“Ready men!” Shouted Ryan.
“Ready Captain!” Shouted the pirates.
“Well then, let us … charge blindly!”
With this cry Ryan ran as fast as he could, legs pumping, arms swinging, down the red carpet and out of the throne room, followed closely by his men … all except Tall Frank who closed his eyes and charged straight into a wall, knocking himself unconscious.
At the sound of Tall Frank landing with a solid thump Ryan and his men came skidding to a halt.
“Oh dear,” said Stumpy, “Tall Frank has knocked himself out.”
“Again?” Exclaimed Ryan. “He charged with his eyes closed didn’t he?”
“It would appear so Sir.”
“How many times am I going to have to explain to him that ‘to charge blindly’ is simply an expression?” Groaned Ryan.
“It would appear that at least one more explanation is needed Sir.”
Ryan gestured to Swift, “Swift, you know what to do.”
Swift walked over to Tall Frank, took off a shoe, took off a sock, knelt down and dangled the sock over Tall Frank’s nose. With a start Tall Frank awoke and sprang to his feet, holding his head … and his nose.
“Oh dear,” said Tall Frank, “now I remember … it’s just an expression. Sorry Captain, sorry fellow pirates.”
“Oh dear,” said Tall Frank, “now I remember … it’s just an expression. Sorry Captain, sorry fellow pirates.”
“All is forgiven Tall Frank. Let us put this behind us and begin anew,” said Ryan.
Once more the Pirate Prince bowed toward the King, Queen and Princess. “King, Queen, Princess, we bid you good day. But we shall return triumphant! Men … charge blindly!”
With this the pirates exited the Throne Room, the courtyard and the Castle, racing off into the countryside in search of Duke Duke, Tall Frank holding his eyes wide open just to be on the safe side.
